As I spun around in my mismatched PJ's after the usual waving to the kids routine before going to school, I saw to my HORROR no spider! Like any reasonable adult I burst into tears and sat on the porch looking for my friend until my husband rescued me with a cup of coffee from the corner store. Being the understanding man he is he let me weep over the death of "my" spider until I could pull myself together. All I could muster to say was "and she didn't even get to lay any eggs." I was having a major Charlotte's Web moment! I was actually hoping that hundreds of them would come parachuting down their silks to greet me. But, alas, I had to face the fact that spiders have a season like all of us do. I then realized that maybe, just maybe I was transferring some grief from missing Ace to the sweet spider I have loved for so many months. I guess it is easier to cry over something that doesn't love you back or that you already know won't live long than over a father you miss so much.
As I am writing this I am crying those hot tears that you try so hard to keep inside. The ones that begin as a hard lump in your throat and pour out of your eyes regardless of how hard you fight them. I am so tired of fighting. Fighting pain, fighting children, fighting finances. I am ready to take it all back and instead of me being in control hand it over to God.
Those hot tears are cleansing me. They are washing away the pain that I hold inside. Grief sucks! It really does! Just when you think you are in a healing spot! BAM! Something new.
But, the good news is that tomorrow is another day! A great day because I choose it to be. I am really trying to live by the idea that I have a choice of how I handle everything. I can make it positive or negative. There is too much to enjoy to be eaten up by anger, pain & negativity. I do have to constantly remind myself of this though.
This weekend we IKEA'fied' the kids rooms. We aren't finished but close. To see the look on their faces was the best gift ever! My son who is rarely satisfied was beaming and has decorated and really made the space his own. He is proud of his room. Of course we did his sisters room first and once she saw his she burst into tears and said that that was actually how she wanted her room all along. Oh well! You can always get it 100% right. She is really into zebras right now so her room is really cute.
I will post picks of my son's room when I can walk in there. Its still a bit Legofied. If you have never stepped on a Lego barefooted trust me it 'aint fun!
On a closing note, I am getting closer to actually making something rather than enviously looking at other blogs and the cool crafts and remakes. I love this blog I stumbled upon on from someones Twitter retweet. It is called New Dress A Day and I have really had fun reading it. Marisa is so fun and inspiring that I am looking at clothes and fabric in a different way now. There is potential in everything. Check her blog out. Her personality alone will brighten your day!
Ok, well, TTNF as Tigger says. I'm up too late. (Umm I just reread this and well, it is obvious I am tired. It really is quite disjointed) Enjoy my randomness! :)