Bipolar sucks! I can think of no other appropriate word for it. One moment you you feel you could save the world and the next you are wondering if it will swallow you. It really really sucks! I am lucky enough to know I have bipolar and take meds to keep it stable but it always peeks through. The manic part of bipolar is AWESOME! I can clean, cook, craft, life is good! I have energy I never knew I could have when I am in my "up' phase. Unfortunately it only lasts a few days to a week. My Low phase is not an in the bed suicidal phase. THANK GOD for that! But it is a grinding gnawing feeling of confusion topped with a HUGE inability to get anything done. This is the part where more piles in on top with thoughts of low self worth and general feeling of frustration. The worst thing on top of it all is I just discovered I have sleep apnea and I am waking up 29 times per hour without my knowledge and gasping for breath and all of that good stuff. That is not something to add to bipolar let me tell you because the exhaustion is as bad as chronic pain in my opinion!
So last night I hopped on Twitter and Katie from Overflowing Brain put a link to the video for Pink's song F'in' Perfect. Mind you it says the whole word. On the radio it doesn't and I always have liked it but last night for some reason the rawness and gritty"ness" of that explict version of that song just worked for me. She had it up for another reason and I encourage you to read her blog post as well but it spoke to me in a strange way.
On Sunday my hubby preached an awesome sermon. One of his best, at least in my opinion, and touchedme where I am spiritually and emotionally. He spoke of being in the dark and coming into the light using the Gospel text John 11:1-45 where Lazarus died and is in the tomb for days and Jesus "wakes" him but in essence He raises him from the dead. He calls him from the dark into the light.
He (my hubby) spoke of his father who suffered Bipolar much more severe than I have and how his dad's "darkness" affected him as a child and how in his 1 1/2 before his death he CHOSE the light even though the darkness was always there.
When I think of darkness I believe there are many types. Physical & emotional darkness caused by injury and illness but there is also spiritual darkness and I think they can all be tied in together. Call it what you will evil, Satan or just Darkness, it is all the same and the dark can seem a much more comfortable place to be in than in the light. I am finding that even though nothing has changed today just writing this in the light of day is helping to expose my feelings of depression.
I can't allow myself to buy into what would LOVE to take over me! I am not diminishing the fact that there are others that suffer much worse than I do and that sometimes meds can't be worked out so there is a moment of clarity. I am thankful for my situation and pray for others with uncontrolled mental illness.
Please be supportive of those around you who may be suffering in the dark. You may never even know that they are screaming for attention or even just a little acknowledgment that " I know you are in a rough place but 'This too shall pass'"
I have lots of love in my life; my family , my friends my Twitter peeps, and even my kids who act like I am the biggest GOON they have ever met! ( I know they love me because I am their comfort in the quiet times)
I love who I am and who I am growing to be! I always will need a little tweeking but know there are others out there that are your support is amazing!
This was my gift from God this morning to remind me that Light ALWAYS overcomes the Dark
And for anyone who read my previous post about Potential... this is the after shot of my little plant bed. I would say it has lived up to its potential and will look SO good once it fills in! :)
"PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE! DON'T YOU EVER EVER THINK, YOU ARE LESS THAN, LESS THAN PERFECT!" Pink-F'in' Perfect
Enjoy your PERFECT day!