I may have just gotten the blue ribbon for worst mother of the year. I realize that more and more often I have been yelling at my kids. But not just yelling at them, Berating them! I know while I am screaming and fussing that I am taking frustrations out on them that are not theirs to deal with.
I could list all of my complaints and say what causes me frustration, but it really doesn't matter because it is not an 11 year old and a 9 year old (in 27 days) fault. Yes, most of the time it begins with a legitimate reason for a motherly scolding; pick up your shoes, clothes, toys etc for the 100th time, but the problem comes in with how I handle it.
Tonight I called my daughter a nag. Seems harmless enough on the screen but it crushed her little spirit. She even tried to come in and talk to me and I (very gruffly) said, "Go away!" OK so we all have had our moments but I really knew I was hurting her and my son with my words and kept on with my attitude.
My precious son thinks I hate him and that I think he is stupid. I know that is kid mentality but he IS thinking it nonetheless. He has such a sweet heart and is so much more tender than I give him credit for.
I guess my goofy thinking was maybe if I hurt their feelings they will be shamed into behaving. That only proves that I am as immature as they are. I was thankful when my husband walked in after his meeting just in time to save me from being even more of a horse's patootie! He went in an spoke with her and soon after she very bravely told me that tomorrow she would like to share her feelings with me. UGGGG! I could see the hurt all over her sweet face.
I told her to tell me then what she felt and I swear she grew up right in front of my eyes! She told me about all of the things that have been going on and how they have hurt her. She pointed out specific things and times that have happened lately that I feel out into an all out sob onto her (almost) 9 year old chest. I couldn't deny any of it and I felt like I had failed my children.
I am sobbing so hard right now I can hardly type. The tears feel like they will never make things better. I say I try hard, and that I am stressed and whatever else to try to make myself belive that I really do try hard but I am realizing that it is just lies I have been telling myself so I don't have to work as hard at something.
The thing is that I am fighting to not feel like a failure right now. I KNOW that I am not because God says I am not but those old lies are trying to take back over. I need lots of prayer right now! For my kids, my family and especially for me.
I know we will make it through this and things WILL get better but tonight was really crappy and I hope to learn from my mistakes.
I am just glad we have a God of GRACE that not only forgives us but has already forgiven all of our sins. That gives me comfort on this heart-wrenching night. I wish I could have my kids understand how much I love them and that Mommy's are people too with hurts, pains, and problems sometimes.
On a lighter note I sold something on etsy to someone I actually don't know this time! EXCITING!