Sunday, August 08, 2010

Sunday...Oops we overslept!

Ok so maybe I knew I would over sleep...a little. :) I told my DH we the boy and I might. So here I am with some more ramblings.
I debated on wheter to change the title of my blog since I have been doing much polymer clay but I am still creating everyday. Even if it is in my mind. One day I will make time.
I had a dream that we moved and the house was 2x bigger than the one we are in at no extra cost. In that dream I had decided to keep the house neat and organized and remember taking a carload to Goodwill (LOVE Goodwill). Hmmm was that a message that I am a slob, or how I would like to live?  Then again, I seem to remember that there was an ostrich in the backyard for some reason so who knows! That kinda blows the whole theory. Gotta love dreams!
I have been thinking a lot lately that I have so many thoughts and would love to write them down but somehow putting them in an official Word file feels to formal for me. I don't really think I have figured anything out about life but I have had a lot of experiences and my thought about those experiences have been flooding my mind.
I really don't know if anyone has read any of this silliness that I am writing but even if not (ok then that means now I am taking to myself) I enjoy writing.
I was just thinking while making my coffee how blessed I am to finally realize that I struggle with bipolar. Weird to say? Maybe, but what I mean is all of my life as far back as I can remember I have felt different. Never sure why but when I would look at others I never knew why my experience of a situation was perceived so differently or how did I miss an entire lecture in class while sitting there. Many other things bothered me as well; like why were there times I felt driven to create even to my own exhasution. Enough was NEVER enough! More stuff, more crafts, more art lessons, more drama lessons, more more more. Then came the depression. I remember sitting in my room looking around never seeing all I had that was good and wondering why whichever boy I was obsessing about that week didn't like me (do you blame him! ), or why every noone would come over and spend the night that night (forgetting someone may have been there the night before) or just why I didn't feel happy AT ALL! Weird because I had a family that loved me and we did lots together but somehow it wasnot enough. I don't blame anyone for not noticing that I was struggling beyond normal teenage insanity. I would have fought any type of help anyway.

It took many hard years of self examination for me to realize and peel away all that I have built up. In fact I am still peeling away. I am lucky to have a patient husband and loving mother. I think my husbands patience with me becomes a mirror at times and turns me back from my bad habits. You see they are always there and I am glad of that. It is like a temperature gauge and when I start seeing it go to far to one side or the other then I know how to find the center again.

I wish I could say that I prayed when I get into those places. I am always aware of my relationship with God and am in constant conversation with Him during the day for various reasons but when my gauge starts moving I seem to forget. Luckily I have lots of prayer from others. At least I know that we have instilled prayer into our kids. They pray and ask God to help them find something they have lost. They know that there is no prayer too small!

I really love my life right now. Even though I struggle times I know those struggles are what brought me to the place I am today. I would love to keep sharing, I hope that something I say has sparked a little something in someone reading this. I welcome any feedback because I think we all need a place to share. It is healthy and as much as I hear people complain about using the computer instead of talking in person, I think for some people it the only way to express and I welcome that. I am glad to write about any of my experiences and do not ever promise any answers, just how they happened to me. This is your place to remain anonymous and read all the stuff that my brain wants me to get out. I just can't keep it in any more! Walk with me down a new road. I have not left anything behind me. I bring all of my interests and creative outlets with me. They just may look different at times.

If you stayed with me this long THANKS FOR READING!

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